I’ve been struggling lately.
Struggling with trying to have it all together.
Struggling with trying to do it all.
Struggling with a self-imposed timeline.
Struggling because I’m not as successful as I feel I should be.
Struggling with unfulfilled dreams.
Struggling to know my place in the world.
Struggling to know what God has really called me to do.
It’s a lot. And lately, it’s been overwhelming me.
I Know the Triggers
I’m well aware of the triggers.
Social media. Too much phone time. Not enough Bible or prayer time. Too much comparison. All the common pitfalls of a self-confessed failure.
Then there’s the endless search for the perfect process.
I spend too much time looking for the perfect process or studying how someone else did it so I can “learn” how to do it.
Then the overthinking starts.
They already did it. So what can I possibly bring to it? What do I have to offer?
And that’s just it.
What do I have to offer?
When the Orchestra Shows Up
Most days, these thoughts play like soft but annoying music in the background of my life.
But every so often, they decide to come out and play and when they do, they bring the whole orchestra and chorus with them.
And it’s a bad day.
Or days.
During those times, nothing seems to go right. Even the littlest thing becomes challenging. And the tears just never seem to stop.
This week has been full of those days.
Until this morning.
Something Felt Different
I got up and did my usual routine, including my Bible study time.
Afterward, I just sat.
Breathing in.
Breathing out.
Taking note of each breath.
Then I opened social media and actually found some encouragement. It felt like it was just for me.
And it was timely.
Usually, when I have days like this, everything ends with a whole lot of self-condemnation.
“I should be more grateful for what I have. Remember, Vikki, you once prayed for this, and now you’ve wasted time complaining about it.”
I sit there shaking my head at myself.
“More time wasted when you could have been doing something creative. I bet all those people who are actually doing it never wasted this much time.”
Then come more tears and more crying out to God, asking for forgiveness for what, honestly, I don’t even know anymore.
But this morning felt different.
Yes, there were still the “end of” tears. I started to go down that same road again, but I felt God stop me.
And this was what He highlighted for me:
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”
— Ephesians 2:10, NLT
I Think I’ve Been Backwards
I think I’ve been looking at this all backwards.
Somehow, I convinced myself that I had to figure out and accomplish all the things God was planning for me to do.
But He already planned them.
All I need to do is walk in them.
And then God reminded me of something else.
While I’ve given all my hopes and dreams over to Him, I keep taking them back.
Why?
I have no clue, except that I’m part control freak and stupid pride keeps convincing me that I need to have my hand on the entire process.
I want the plan.
I want the timeline.
I want to know what happens next.
I want to know how everything comes together.
And apparently, God wants something very different from me.
One Step at a Time
Then I felt Him say:
There’s a reason I’m only giving you one step at a time.
Because you’re process-driven, and I want you to be God-driven.
I want you to trust Me and really get to know My voice. The only way to do that is for Me to give you one step at a time.
You’re frustrated because you can’t see the whole process, but I designed it this way.
Trust Me.
And once again, I broke.
I gave it all back to Him.
All my hopes.
All my dreams.
All the things I keep trying to figure out on my own.
And it’s scary because I don’t know what the next step is.
But I know He does.
So I said four very hard but very powerful words to Him:
God, I trust You.
And I meant it.
Truly.
Deep down, I meant it.
And a weight lifted off my heart, my shoulders, and all the rest of me.
Now I Get to Breathe
And now I get to breathe.
Just breathe.
I don’t have to figure everything out today.
I don’t have to know the entire plan.
I don’t have to compare my journey to someone else’s.
I don’t have to prove that I’m successful enough, creative enough, productive enough, or far enough along.
I just need to take the next step God puts in front of me.
That will be hard for me.
I’m a process-driven person. I like plans, timelines, checklists, and knowing where I’m going.
But maybe God isn’t asking me to understand the whole journey.
Maybe He’s asking me to trust the One who does.
And perhaps that’s where I need to start.
Not with another plan.
Not with another process.
Not with another comparison.
But with four simple words:
God, I trust You.
What About You?
Maybe you’re struggling, too.
Maybe you’re carrying dreams you don’t know what to do with.
Maybe you’re frustrated because you thought you’d be further along by now.
Maybe you keep asking God for the whole map when He’s only giving you the next step.
If that’s you, take a breath today.
Put down the timeline.
Put down the comparison.
Put down the need to understand it all.
Give your hopes and dreams back to God—and leave them there.
Then ask Him for the next step.
You don’t need the whole plan. You just need to trust the One who has it.
And if you’re willing, tell me in the comments:
What is one thing you need to give back to God today?
Maybe we can remind each other that we don’t have to have it all together.
We just have to keep walking.
One step at a time.
