I’m almost 58.
And apparently, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
Which is kind of funny when you think about it.
At almost 58, I thought I’d have more of this figured out.
My finances. My future. Retirement. Friendships. My career. My purpose.
You know…the little things.
Instead, sometimes I feel like I’m standing at the beginning of it all. Except there’s one pretty significant difference between standing at the beginning at 28 and standing at the beginning at almost 58.
The number of years ahead of me is smaller than the number of years behind me.
And if I’m being completely honest, that scares me sometimes.
I sometimes wonder if there is enough time.
Enough time to get my finances where I want them. Enough time to figure out what I actually want to do. Enough time to build something meaningful. Enough time to retire someday without panicking about it. Enough time to pursue the things I’ve put off. Enough time to become the woman I always thought I would be.
And then God starts reminding me:
It’s not too late.
I’m Still Figuring Out What I Want to Be When I Grow Up
For most of my adult life, I knew what I had to do.
I had children to raise. Bills to pay. Responsibilities to take care of. A career to build. Life required me to be practical, and I became very good at doing what needed to be done. Especially when it came to my career, I’ve spent a lot of years doing what I had to do rather than doing what I actually wanted to do.
And honestly, I don’t think I’m alone in that.
There are seasons of life when your dreams have to take a back seat to responsibility.
When you’re raising kids, paying the mortgage, showing up for work, taking care of everyone else, and simply trying to keep all the plates spinning, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” isn’t exactly at the top of the list.
But now my girls are grown.
I will always be Mom. That doesn’t go away just because your children become adults. But being Mom isn’t the same kind of all-consuming priority it was when they were little.
And that leaves me with a question I haven’t really had the freedom to ask before:
What do I actually want?
Not what do I need to do.
Not what makes the most sense.
Not what am I supposed to do.
What do I want to do?
I’m still figuring that out.
I’m Still Figuring Out My Future
I honestly thought that by almost 58, I would have some of this stuff settled.
My finances.
My retirement.
My career.
My friendships.
My future.
Instead, some days it feels like I’m just getting started. And that can be unsettling. The years ahead of me are fewer than the years behind me now. That is simply a fact of getting older, but sometimes facts have a way of becoming very loud in your head.
I don’t want to waste the time I have left.
I want to build something meaningful.
I want to write.
I want to podcast.
I want to do something that matters.
I want to use the things God has given me instead of continuing to tell myself that I’ll get around to them someday.
And yes, I still have practical things to figure out too.
Money. Retirement. Career decisions. What the next season of life actually looks like. But I’m learning that maybe I don’t have to solve my entire future today.
I’m Still Learning What Total Submission Really Looks Like
This one has been a big one for me.
I talk about trusting God. I believe in trusting God.
But actually surrendering control?
Well…
That’s a little different.
I have a tendency to want a plan. Not just a plan, either. I want the steps. I want to know what happens next. I want to know how long it will take. I want to know what the outcome will be.
Honestly, I would probably be very happy if God handed me a five-page, numbered, color-coded process with a timeline and expected results.
But that’s not usually how God works.
Instead, sometimes He gives me a seed. And then He asks me to plant it. That’s where the hard part begins. I have to do the work of tending it. Watering it. Protecting it. Being patient.
Continuing to care for something even when I can’t see what it’s becoming.
And I have to trust that God knows what He’s doing even when I can’t see the whole process.
Maybe that’s what total submission actually looks like.
Not knowing everything.
Not controlling everything.
Not having a perfect process.
Just trusting God enough to take the next step.
God Keeps Reminding Me It’s Not Too Late
This is another thing He keeps bringing me back to.
It’s not too late.
I don’t know what the next few years will hold. I don’t know exactly how everything will come together. But I do know that God isn’t limited by my timeline. He’s not looking at my age and thinking, “Well, I guess we missed our opportunity.” And I’m pretty sure He’s not sitting there worried that I haven’t followed the perfect process.
Because I have absolutely not followed the perfect process.
I tend to think I need to get everything right before I begin.
Maybe the seed doesn’t have to be perfect.
Maybe I don’t have to be perfect either.
Maybe I just need to be brave enough to plant it.
I’m Still Figuring Out My Calling
For a long time, I thought calling was something you figured out once. Like God would hand you a very clear blueprint and you would suddenly know exactly what you were supposed to do with your life. I’m starting to see it differently.
Maybe calling isn’t always a job description.
Maybe sometimes it’s a desire God keeps putting in your heart.
A nudge you can’t quite ignore.
A seed.
And there are some seeds that have been growing in me for a while now.
I want to write.
I want to podcast.
I want to learn God’s Word more deeply, and I’ve found that walking through Scripture has become something I genuinely desire.
I want to know Scripture so well that it becomes part of how I think and live. I’ve written before about why I’m not Super Christian Wonder Woman, and I’m becoming increasingly comfortable with that.
I want to talk about what I’m learning.
I want to tell stories.
I want to encourage people.
I want people to feel a little less alone.
I don’t know exactly what all of that will become.
And for once, I’m trying not to demand that I know.
Maybe I can simply be faithful with what God has already put in my hands.
And Then There’s the Fact That I’m a Grandmother
Can we just pause for a minute?
I’m a grandmother.
I still find that hilarious.
There are moments when I look at Sophia and think, “How in the world am I old enough to be somebody’s grandmother?” And then I remember that I’m almost 58 and apparently the math checks out.
But there’s something else about being a grandmother that makes me laugh.
I wasn’t the perfect mom. Not even close. I made mistakes. I got things wrong. There are things I wish I could go back and do differently.
And yet my girls still love me.
They still value me.
They still want me in their lives.
They still want me to be counted among their best friends.
And one of them made me a grandmother. There’s something incredibly humbling about that. Maybe that’s another lesson I’m still learning.
Grace doesn’t require perfection.
Sometimes you get to look at the people you love and realize that despite all the things you got wrong, love remained.
That’s a pretty beautiful thing.
Maybe I’m Not Running Out of Time
Maybe that’s what I’m still learning.
I’m not guaranteed endless years. None of us are. But maybe I don’t need to spend the years I do have panicking about everything I haven’t accomplished yet. Maybe I just need to plant the seed.
Do the work.
Water it.
Protect it.
Be patient.
Trust God when I can’t see what comes next. I don’t need the entire process mapped out. I don’t need to know exactly what the harvest will look like. And I certainly don’t need to be perfect. I just need to be brave enough to take the next step.
Maybe 58 isn’t the beginning of the end.
Maybe it’s the beginning of something I didn’t have the freedom, courage, or understanding to begin before.
Maybe God isn’t finished with me yet.
Actually, I know He isn’t.
So here I am.
Almost 58.
Still figuring things out.
Still learning.
Still dreaming.
Still laughing that I’m somebody’s grandmother.
Still wondering what I’m going to be when I grow up.
And still planting seeds.
One seed. One step. One day at a time.
I’ll let God handle the harvest.
A Little Something to Think About
Maybe you’re not 58. Maybe you’re 28. Or 42. Or 70.
Maybe you’re looking at your own life and wondering how you got here, what comes next, or whether there’s still time to become the person you hoped you’d be.
If that’s you, I hope you know this:
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
You don’t need the perfect plan.
You don’t need to see the whole path.
Maybe you just need to plant the seed you already have.
What are you still figuring out?
I’d love to hear from you in the comments. Maybe we’re figuring out more of the same things than we realize. ❤️
