All the lasts are starting. Last time I’ll see the lake transition from winter to spring. Last time I’ll see baby geese toddling around (even though I hate geese). Last time I’ll see Grandmother Willow sprout her buds. Last time I’ll witness the emergence of tulips as they line the pathway to my building.
I was reminded again not to rush to the end of this season. One year ago yesterday, my baby girl moved out. Earlier this year, I started a new position at work. So many blessings. I don’t want to miss even the little ones I know are still coming as these last 46 days start to wind down.
The apartment is in disarray. My organizational system has broken down somewhat and I have stuff from every room packed away. All the wall hangings are down. The curtains, with the exception of some sheers for privacy (my apartment faces another building so there’s no privacy at all!) are all down. It’s looking less and less like a home each day and I’m starting to feel a little sad.
I realize, with this move, comes the end of my independence. These last five years have been the only time I’ve ever had my very own place. Maybe I’m being repetitive but then it bears repeating. I’ve gone from living with my family to being married and living with my husband (no place with him ever felt like home to me) to living with my mom. These last two apartments were the first I ever chose, decorated, etc, all on my own. I’m proud of myself.
But all good things must come to an end and I’m so glad this great season is giving way to an even better one. I can’t wait to feel more like part of a household again. To have people to talk to, cook with, dream with….I’ve missed that since Mom passed. Not that I haven’t been able to do that with my girls – I have done all this with my girls however, it’s different when there’s a generational difference.
I feel like I’m saying this all wrong but I’m sure someone out there understands what I mean. Haha!
So, I’ll reconstruct my organizational system and get back to packing, ever so grateful for God and His goodness and all He’s done in my life and all He’s about to do.
As my pastor is fond of saying – my story doesn’t end here.
On March 22nd, my sister and I will be closing on a lovely end-unit townhome we bought together. I haven’t been a homeowner since 2004 so this is very exciting for me! Finally, a home where I can put paint on the walls!
Two kitchens! A fireplace located in a lovely loft. Oak wood finishes that are in perfect condition and best of all, only 2.5 miles away from my dad and stepmom.
So exciting!
But also, a lot of work! My sister and I will be merging households which also puts a new spin on this. While she’s mostly packed, I’m still in the purging phase. I text her a lot of pictures that usually have the caption of “do we need this?” or “do we need two of these?”.
This house will only be the second I’ve ever owned. (I don’t count the one I bought with my now ex-husband because my name was no where on it.) And it will be my 20th move overall! Hopefully, this will also be my very last move.
A few short years ago, both my girls were planning to get a place of their own. I sat looking through apartment listings (just for fun), looking at one-bedroom places and dreaming of how I would decorate it without any input from anyone else. I pinned meals “for the single gal” to my Pinterest page and thought about how grand it would be to have the whole TV all to myself.
I could do what I wanted when I wanted. The ultimate single life.
We moved in here and shortly after, Emilie got married. And then there were two.
Emilie has always been my “big idea” girl. Big dreams. Bigger plans. So full of sparkling conversation. She outwardly expresses everything and this lead to hours upon hours of endless chatter. She filled my days with talking. I honestly can’t remember a time in her life when she wasn’t talking. So many late night talks, some full of fear but most filled with faith and a lot of tears.
But Shelby isn’t like that. She doesn’t have huge dreams.
Shelby works an overnight job and sleeps during the day. She has her own set of nerdy friends she prefers to spend time with, which is very normal for a girl like her. I want to give her that space. I don’t want her to feel like she’s her mother’s entertainment committee. The few times she’s decided to spend her day with me has been a gift and I’ve made the most of it. Her big ambition right now is to work, make some money, and play video games with her friends. Even when she is with me, she’s quiet. There’s never been a ton of conversation that’s happened between us.
So, my home when from being loud to being very quiet.
In the beginning, I took advantage of it. But it wasn’t long before conversations with Jesus turned into mindless chatter with either myself or with the dog. (He doesn’t ever engage. He usually just licks himself and finds a new comfortable space on my chair.)
Now, that season is ending. I just bought a house with my sister. And my other sister (there’s four of us girls in my family) will be moving in with us along with Shelby. My very quiet, boring existence is about to be replaced with conversation and activity once more.
I can’t wait!
Moving to my current home was a huge blessing. We moved right in the middle of 2020 from a super small apartment to this one. My old apartment was only a mile away from the home we shared with my mom for 12 years. It was the home that healed us from a painful divorce. It was my mother’s house and for 12 years, we were secure and stable.
Then we lost her and everything changed.
The two years we spent in that first apartment after she died were so full of grief and pain and adjustment and just emptiness. We had no family nearby. My girls and I clung to each other and together, we held onto Jesus. But that grief – it was so hard to heal. I remember when we moved into this place, it almost felt like I was leaving my grief behind. So much closer to my sister, this place gave me breathing room, and not just literally.
It changed everything.
Being close to people who I loved and who loved me was the healing balm I needed. We healed together, in a way. God blessed us so much in this place and in this current season.
God gave me this season and I have not squandered it.
But now it’s time for the next step in my life. To go back to living in a space where I can put color on my walls and have my own laundry (it’s the little things). I won’t just be close to family; I’ll be living with family and closest I’ve been to my dad and stepmom in decades.
The challenge now is to stay in an attitude of gratitude. I’ve got just under 2 months until we move into our house – hopefully, our forever home.
Seasonal transitions are hard because the closer you get to the new season, the less tolerant you are of the season you’re in. It’s easy to get edgy and start to dislike what once was a blessing.
I’m determined not to let that happen to me. I love my home. I love every minute here. And before I leave, I want to pray over it, touch each wall and walk its floors one more time. I want to leave a bit of Jesus here. I want the next family to feel peace, love, comfort, and healing when they want through the door – just as I did.
When I get to my new home, I’ll do the same. Touch the walls. Walk the floors. Speak Jesus to it all. This home was a home of healing but the next home…that will be a home full of joy!
